147 Days
by Sanzo2332
Summary: Spike reaction to Buffy's death


**Alright this is my first Buffy fanfic ever and I've never completely watched the series, but I have seen parts (mainly Spuff but eh). This is not what happens just what I wanted to happen. I wrote this for two reasons A. it bothers me that there aren't any stories about Spike reaction to Buffy's death and B. I was feeling absolutely lonely. Soo I don't any of this except the idea, hope you enjoy.**

**Day 1**

No, it was impossible. My eyes must have been lying to me. That was not Buffy, my sweet Buffy, lying there; unmoving. Yet no matter how badly I wished to deny it the smell of death entered my nostrils, while my ears couldn't hear her heart beat.

The tears were in my eyes in seconds and I buried my face in my hands as the salt water escaped my eyes and sobs wracked my body. I could feel my undead heart breaking. I knew that if my heart was stilling beating in my chest it would have exploded from the pain.

I couldn't believe it. I was losing my angel. I would never hear or see her laugh again, or touch her warm skin. I could never listen to the steady rhythm of her heart beat, which calmed me so greatly.

The Scoobies cried around my kneeling form. Dawn descended down the stairs slowly, seeming so unsure of her movements as tears rolled down her cheeks. Giles seemed to be the only one who could hold back his pain.

Slowly forcing myself to stand, the pain rushing throughout my body with every movement, I sluggishly pulled myself towards the blonde Slayer. My frame shook like an autumn leaf in the breeze and I was sure my legs were going to give out beneath me, but I refused to let myself fall. With each step the smell of death increased and I wished I could turn away, to rid the smell from the air.

When I reached her body, my body refused to hold me up any longer and I fell, a sound of pain escaping my throat. I slowly took her still form into my arms, cradling her against my chest as I sobbed into her blonde hair uncontrollably. I inhaled her lingering scent as deeply as I could as I clutched her tighter, praying that she would awaken and begin to scream at me for touching her.

"Buffy. Buffy! Please Buffy! Little One, don't go," I cried. A scream of pain, rage, and sorrow erupted from my lips as I cursed the heavens and any god or deity I could think of. My body crumpled, causing me to lean over my Slayer with my forehead against the cold ground. I felt as if I had been staked through the heart yet could not die. I just wanted to die.

_"I'm counting on you to protect her."_ Buffy's words echoed through my mind and I inhaled sharply. I couldn't leave this world that Buffy no longer existed in because of a promise I had made to her. Damit!

"Spike," a soft, pained voice whispered, gently resting a hand on my shoulder. I looked up at Dawn. Dawn Summers. The reason Buffy was dead, the reason I could not die. Yet when I took in her tear stained face, I could not bring myself to be angry at her or hate her; she was all I had left of Buffy.

I gently, ever so gently, laid the cold Slayer down and stood to my full height, looking down at the young Summers. "Oh Spike," her voice came out broken. Wrapping my arms around her, I pulled her to my chest and held the young woman while she cried on my shoulder.

**Day 3**

The skies opened that day and let the rain fall from the heavens, as if they mourned our loss. I hid in the shadows of the trees, drenched, not wishing to be any closer than I already was. My heart ached and nothing, nothing, made it go away. As they lowered the casket into the earth, my un-beating heart was buried with her.

As the nightfall descended and everyone else returned to their homes, I stood in front of her grave. I held my chest as I looked at her tombstone.

_Buffy Anne Summers_

_1981 – 2001_

_Beloved Sister_

_Devoted Friend_

_She Will Always Be Loved_

_She Saved The World A lot_

I smiled bitterly at the stone. The pain increased in my chest yet I did not move from that spot in front of her grave until the first light of dawn appeared.

**Day 7**

I couldn't believe it had been a week. A week since I had seen her, heard her laugh, or listened to her rant. She'd been gone for a week yet I would visit her almost every night.

Dawn couldn't adjust to the empty house and her constant nightmares, causing her to beg me to move in with her. My presences didn't seem to help much for whenever she closed her eyes to sleep, nightmares haunted her. Whenever I didn't go to Buffy's grave I would hold the young Summers as she cried and begged for her family. I tried my hardest to take care of her, but parenting was never a job I was suited for.

The house, the basement, everywhere seems so empty without the feisty Slayer. I couldn't help, but feel like an intruder in the house I know lived in. Whenever I sat in the living rooming watching Passion, I would always look to my side excepting to see her beside me or walking through one of the rooms.

**Day 30**

A month passed yet nothing got easier. It seems to only get harder. My heart ached more with each passing day and I couldn't help count the time that went by.

The Scoobies seemed to be doing any better than Dawn or I, no matter how hard they tried to get back to normal, it was impossible without the leader of the group. They visited Dawn often, trying to make a distraction for all of them. They also seemed to finally accept my involvement in Dawn's life as her protector at least. Yet as the time continued to go on fewer words escaped my lips.

**Day 80**

The air's always cold and the graveyard remains silent. Dawn's nightmares had finally lessening so she slept silent back at the house. On nights like those, I wished I could have given up. I just wanted to leave this life. Yet Buffy's words haunt me, both my promise to her and her last words to Dawn.

_"I'm counting on you to protect her."_

_ "The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. Be brave. Live…for me."_

My legs gave out underneath me, causing me to collapse to the ground as sobs wracked my body. Tears started to cascade down my cheeks as I whispered quietly. "Why Buffy? Why did you do this to me?" I fell to my hands, head bent, as tears dropped to the soil below.

"Buffy, I don't want to be brave," I whimpered.

**Day 114**

"Spike?" I looked up from my lap on the porch swing to see Dawn, disheveled and pained; another nightmare. I beckoned her to me and she sat beside me before curling up in my side and holding me tightly. I wrapped a protective arm around her and held her close. "Why? Why did this have to happen," she whispered, agony laced in her voice.

"Life isn't bliss. Life is just this, with every horrible and lovely emotion you feel. Life is just living…and dying," I mumbled. Sobs started to wrack her smaller body as she fell into my lap, gripping my pant leg tightly. I clenched my teeth and ran my hand through her hair as I listened to her whisper Buffy's name over and over again.

**Day 140**

Almost half a year had passed without our blonde Slayer. The Scoobies and Dawn tried to keep living and smiling, but without her, without the heart of the group, no one wanted to.

Nothing in my routine changed, every waking moment was the same as the day before. I made sure Dawn was asleep and protected, I patrolled around Sunnydale, and in the end I always ended up in front of her grave, just staring at the inscription.

Her sacrifice saved the world, yet she never realized the damage it would cause to our lives. Every brave face was forced and underneath it all, we just wanted to cry until our hearts wore away.

Each of the Scoobies, even Dawn, tried to offer me sympathy, but they just didn't understand. Losing a loved one is hell, but losing the person you wish to spend the rest of your life with is torture. It's like you're so close to death, but the cruel forces in the world never let you die, never let you pass on.

**Day 147**

Just kill me. I just want to die so I can see her again.

**Day 148**

Dawn rambled on, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her as she buttoned up the white shirt she wore. Her hands grasped the material tightly as if to protect herself while blood oozed from her knuckles.

"What happened? What'd you do," I wondered, quietly. Dawn looked at me startled. "Me? Nothing," she replied quickly. I sighed softly. "Her hands," I asked. She quickly put her hands behind her back as Dawn looked at her, concern clear in her eyes. "I was gunna fix them. I don't know how they got like that," Dawn whispered, her gaze downcast.

I gave her a pained look. "I do. Clawed her way outta the coffin, that's how. Aint that right," I prodded, looking at her knowingly. "Ya…that's what I had to do," her voice was small, almost fearful like a child. "Done it myself," I whispered. My head began to tilt to the side as I examined her, but I quickly shook myself out of it. I extended my hand to her. "C'mon, let's get you fix up," I said. Placing my hand on her back, I lead her towards the living room asking Dawn to go get medicine I would need.

I kneeled in front of her seated form, gently taking her bloody hands into my larger ones. "How long was I gone," her quiet voice came. I looked up into the eyes I missed so terribly. "Hundred forty-seven days yesterday. Hundred and forty-eight today. 'Cept today doesn't count, does it_? _ How long was it? Where you were," I couldn't help, but ask. The life seemed to drain further out of her eyes. "Longer."

Leaning forward and reaching up slightly, I kissed her forehead gently. "I'm sorry," I whispered, barely audible. She looked at me with curiosity in her eyes. "Why?" I bowed my head, guilt sweeping through me. "Maybe if I had been faster or more clever; if I had kept my promise about protecting Dawn even if it meant that I didn't make it, it would have saved you. You wouldn't have had to jump, Buffy," my voice cracked on her name and I had to fight back the tears that threatened to fall. Emotions finally entered her eyes and she rested her hand on my head, guiding my head into her lap. When I touched her legs and inhaled her scent that had been gone for so long, the tears fell. Buffy didn't say a word; she just stroked my hair as I whispered again and again, "I'm so sorry. Please don't forgive me, I don't deserve it, but I love you so much."


End file.
